Pastorally Parenting in the Ph.D.
There should have been "BEWARE" signs outside 3939 Gentilly Boulevard on January 7th.
There should have been "BEWARE" signs outside 3939 Gentilly Boulevard on January 7th, two days after our little baby girl came into the world at 6 lbs., 13 oz. Not because she was crazy or had major medical conditions or that my wife was still in the hospital. It was because (1) the next day I was presenting at a conference on theological snobbery and (2) my Ph.D. work for the semester loomed over my shoulders.
My wife and I learned quickly that a newborn baby is equivalent to three Ph.D. seminars each with 25-40 page papers. Think about it. You are staying up late, tired, eating horribly, working on brand new topics that you have never experienced, and you are having to learn on the fly to make sure that you do not fail horribly.
As I approached our first seminar meeting of the semester, I was exhausted. I did not know how not only I was going to succeed in the course but also not completely fall flat on my face as a husband and dad. My course on conflict resolution and crisis management had seven books and hours of discussion. I was going to have to create multiple multimedia presentations, present a case study, and figure out a research topic that was strong enough to demand a full-blown research paper. All of this would have to occur while I returned to my job after a few weeks where my department included myself and my coordinator, whose main role is to contact our constituents. For forward progress, I would have to be on my game in all these areas. No one could do it for me. No one could replace me. I did not know how I was going to get it done.
But I did.
How?
Firstly, by God's grace. Seriously. This is not an empty thanksgiving. Without the Lord, I would have cried and quit.
For young dads in ministry, whether you are pursuing the Ph.D. or not, the sentiment is the same - how do we pastorally parent in the Ph.D.? How do we feed and lead our families while we have something strenuous and time-consuming?
Clarify Expectations with Your Family
My wife and I moved to New Orleans mainly so I could pursue the Ph.D. in Christian Leadership. We clarified that, besides being a Christian, husband, and dad, my ultimate role was to be a doctoral student. As one professor said, "There is no such thing as a part-time Ph.D. student." I clarified that with my wife, and we were on the same page. We went into it knowing that there would be heavy loads and longer periods of time where I would be researching and writing. Whatever your load-bearing role is (worker, entrepreneur, writer, musician), lead your family by bringing them in and clarifying the expectations. We cannot prioritize everything; however, if you get your family on the same page, it is doable and can garner major buy-in, especially in those times when it gets really hard.
Clear Out Time for Your Family
Our most important items are always put first on the schedule. If you know you have to wake up at 4 A.M. to make it to the airport so you can enter Disney World's Magic Kingdom at 10 A.M., then you're going to schedule everything else around this. While your Ph.D. may be a priority, you cannot force your family to work around it. You can always stop and start a program. You can't stop and start a family.
Consider the Best Times to Be Away
What are the best times for you to work on your classes? Thankfully, my wife has been in seminary as well, so we've been able to work on our homework at the same time. I've also taken a few Saturday and Sunday afternoons to go by myself and have deep work. For us, it's typically after everyone has gone to bed. If I can fit some work in during the middle of the day, knowing that I'm working extra soon or at nights, then I'll do it during the day. There's no one-size-fits-all answer, but you must shepherd your family to understand the times you are going to be away. It will take time to do the work.
Consolidate Your Bursts of Work
Cal Newport's Deep Work has driven me to realize that shorter bursts of work do better than dragging it out. There are now some days where I work 0% on my Ph.D. There are some days when my entire day is consumed. Find the 2-4 hour periods where you can eat as much of the elephant as you can. You can eat it one of two ways: bit by bit, day by day, or large chunks at one time. With the short burst method, you spend less mental energy and time capital away from your other responsibilities.
Come Back with No Work
When you come back to your family, don't be like the remote worker whose work-life balance feels as if their home and office are the exact same place. It is more difficult to turn off your brain if you still piddle around and work at home. Be fully engaged when you come home. There have been times when I've stayed working longer than I originally intended so I could be fully invested at home. This helps you pay attention to your wife and kids, to see what they need, to play with them, to do the dishes.
Celebrate When You Are Done
Each semester, we try to have a mini-celebration. Normally, it's a good meal, a movie, and a weekend with no homework. This involves your family to realize that this is not just a personal ambition but a family achievement. Show them appreciation for helping you each semester.
Cede Your Rest Time to Your Wife
This summer, I finished my Ph.D. work by the second week of June. So, rather than become a slob and lie on the couch all day long when I get home, I've ceded some of my rest time to let my wife work on her classes and also take times to rest. She is going to make the biggest sacrifice while you are doing school. When you can, lay down your wants so that she can rest, recover, and reenergize for the upcoming semester.
Pastorally parenting in the Ph.D. requires sacrificial intentionality and strategic investment to your family. Find the times where the Ph.D. takes more time, but then balance it with joyful, fruitful periods of pastoral parenting and spousal serving.
Question: What responsibility in your life takes a lot of your time? How can you be intentional with your spouse and children in the offseason?