The Pendulum Problem (Finding the Best Ways to Balance Time When Your Spouse and You Are Both Busy) | Pastorally Parenting
While pursuing multiple master's degrees, a doctorate, ministry leadership positions, and maintaining a consistent writing schedule, I've often repeated this mantra:
"I'm glad to do it now rather than when…"
The ending has evolved throughout the years:
When I finish college
When I move out
When I get my first job
When I get married
When I get my next job
When I have a kid
This strategy served me well for years. Planning ahead preserved my sanity.
Plans help us avoid failure—until they fail because we didn't consider every possible scenario.
My plan only accounted for how life events would affect me personally. It didn't consider the human elements: my wife, child, extended family, and friends.
My wife presented the biggest variable because she was called to ministry, enrolled in seminary, and working a job. We knew these commitments would continue throughout the early years of our marriage.
I couldn't focus solely on my responsibilities; I needed to consider hers too.
We had to work together, recognizing there would be seasons when my workload increased at work, ministry, or school—requiring her to handle more daily responsibilities—and other times when I needed to step up and pause my ambitions to support her.
True work-life balance is largely a myth. Even without overtime, your mind needs time to decompress from work, and different responsibilities await at home. It's unfair for one spouse to do everything while the other does nothing. It's wrong to ask a partner to sacrifice everything without proper care in return. And it's inappropriate to treat one spouse's priorities as inherently more important than the other's.
I've discovered a framework that helps busy parents improve both their parenting and productivity.
The solution is what I call "the pendulum approach."
Framing it as a problem might seem counterintuitive, but recognizing this challenge is the first step toward helping you—especially husbands—shepherd your families effectively.
Major pendulum swings will occur in your home. Our calendars make this inevitable.
For example, I experience particularly intense periods during the work and school year.
During these times, I can focus primarily on school and work. Does this mean I stop being a husband or father? No. But my workload must decrease somewhere. It's similar to John the Baptist saying his influence and disciples must decrease for Jesus to increase (John 3:30). With only 16-20 waking hours—even sacrificing sleep—we have limited energy for productive output.
During these busy seasons, I can't spend 3-5 hours daily on tasks my wife can handle. We must work together to maximize our time and efforts. She takes on more housework and childcare. The pendulum of busyness swings toward me, which means responsibilities must decrease for Danyel.
Conversely, my wife has her busy periods with assignments, worship practice, and social connections. These aren't second-class responsibilities. During these times, I need to set aside my laptop, books, and relaxation time to support her. Even if it costs me a full day of work, when the pendulum of responsibilities swings to me, I need to catch it. Her busyness pendulum has swung toward her.
This dynamic will evolve as our daughter—and hopefully other children—grow up. Sports, music practices, and church involvement will increase. This means both my wife and I will need to adjust our pendulums to invest in our children's activities.
For young fathers in ministry, the ministry pendulum often remains fixed, causing us to focus so intently on shepherding our church that we neglect shepherding our families.
We must remember we're not better than Jesus. He rested. His pendulum swung between active ministry (preaching, healing, casting out demons, and traveling) and quieter times (sitting in homes with friends and family, sharing meals with new people, or retreating from crowds).
We must consider not only our own interests but also others' interests (Phil. 2:4). We make sacrifices so our entire family can fulfill God's calling, which sometimes means pausing our projects so our spouses can pursue theirs.
My wife and I have developed helpful rhythms:
We communicate it.
We discuss the busyness of our upcoming season with each other. We establish clear expectations about how our family will operate for the next few weeks and months. I share when I'll need time for Ph.D. reading and writing, and Danyel explains when she'll need time for her classes and adjunct teaching.
We schedule it.
After our discussion, we add specific times to our calendar when one of us will have a heavier workload. This prevents catching each other off-guard and ensures neither person monopolizes all the extra hours. While my Ph.D. is important, it doesn't justify leaving Danyel with no time for her priorities.
We reiterate it.
We regularly reconfirm our plans. This ensures we remain on the same page and creates absolute clarity between us. We make sure that we have not missed anything or that the other person isn’t expecting it to be their time.
We execute it.
We follow through on our plans without hesitation or excessive apologies. Since we've already agreed on the arrangement, we take turns completing what we need to accomplish. Throughout a week, there may be 2-3 times where we have to work in this way.
We maximize it.
We make the most of our allocated time. I prefer working at coffee shops for 4-6 hour stretches. The ambient busyness combined with the unspoken agreement that people won't disturb each other helps me avoid wasting time. I can get deep work done in this way to where I can minimize these pendulum swings.
We thank each other for it.
We express gratitude for each other's sacrifices. Transitioning from working on responsibilities whenever needed to planning everything requires effort and consideration. We know that we need to look to the interests of our better half.
We process it.
We evaluate the effectiveness of our approach. We ask questions like: Was this useful? What adjustments are needed? Did I take too long? Did I need more time? These processes can help us adjust our actions to where we know how to best do what we need to do.
What's on your pendulum?
How can you use your schedule to communicate when you need time from your spouse and when they can have time?
What doesn't need to be there?
How can you pass the pendulum to your spouse? How can you signal this change and transition?
Time after time, we will need to pour more of ourselves into certain responsibilities than others. If you only have 100% of yourself, then your energy can only go certain directions at certain times. This is why you have a spouse. You’re a team. You need to help pick them up when they can’t carry their load.
Consider the pendulum approach. How can you lighten the load sometimes? How can you involve your spouse to help you when your load is heavy?